Whittard

The initial smell of this coffee bodes well - the lemony twang you expect from a Kenyan - and I don't mean a marathon runner. But this is a strength TWO - which as we all know, means weak as hell. There is no such thing as a strength one - the scale starts at two - so this is as weak as it gets. And it's true - this one has all the right hints of quality that you'd look for - but just not enough of them. It's like having a quickie behind the bike sheds - alright but just not satisfying, leaving you wanting more. Your mum would like this one for sure - and I don't mean the quickie. Or maybe she would - who knows - I've not seen her in a while. We're on a trial separation.  6/10

The first sip of this bodes well - it's tangy and citrus like, as we top Judges have come to expect for anything from a high altitude in that part of the world. But as you continue to sip, you really want this taste to build and build - but it doesn't. It just stays at the same level and as you get more used to it, you notice it even less, to the point where you feel like you're drinking hot water. I can only put this down to the strength 3 rating - this was never going to floor me like a couple of pool balls in a pair of tights. So, OK if you like week coffee. Otherwise, be a man and go out and get yourself something stronger - some Tanzanian Peaberry maybe. 6/10

This was the first one I'd made in a while and je-sus this came out blacker than the Black Hole Of Calcutta. So what's with the delicate looking butterflies on the front of this I wonder? Now, I'm sure I didn't cock-up the brewing process, and this is officially rated a strength 3, so how it ended up a throat puncher I'll never know. But I think I have to face facts: that I over did it and that the strength here, while welcome, is slightly false and it's a really bitter cup that needs an extra tweak of sugar to get it down. I've enjoyed it though - a perfect afternoon pick-me-up. An easy 7/10 for this one. Shame we can only have one cup from the tiny packet.

The notion of this one is a cheeky little monkey messing around with a magic tea pot hanging about on a branch. Despite all that nonsense, this is a nice little brew. It's a strength 3 but has a really good and powerful taste. It's just lacking some depth - it's shallower than Jodie Marsh on Mastermind. As soon as you've swallowed - it's gone. Yes, that's another reference to Jodie Marsh. It's a great afternoon coffee - or one to keep dosing up on all day long. You'll never feel like you've had too many, but you'll enjoy each one. I may even buy a bigger pack....  8/10

We've had a Monsoon Malabar before from Waitrose, and we didn't like it, so we're not expecting much here. The package seems to suggest that a toffish bird can take it, where as a chavvy parrot will be left reeling from this bad boy.  The initial smell off of the cup is what we expected - filthy, dirty and harsh. So you kind of hold your nose before diving in - but initial gulps would have you believe that this one 'aint bad! Strong - yes - but not quite such a filth-monger as the name would suggest. As you go down the cup though, the after taste on the tongue builds up and the grinds from the bottom well up and start to choke you. It's just about OK, but only for serious coffee fans. The average parrot best stick to his millet. 6/10

This is a real punchy little Whittard. It's a strength 5, and it tastes it - don't give this one to your mum thinking you can dumb it down and it'll all be ok, because it won't. The smell off the freshly brewed cup is powerful and enticing - there's no way you can forget this one and leave it to go cold by mistake. In fact, I never even put the cup down. 8/10

The word "Christmas" on a coffee - or indeed anything - should always make you nervous and this is proof of that. As soon as you open the packet you just want to gag - it's sickly sweet and generally repulsive. Just the waft from the packet is making me sneeze. The brewed cup is even worse - it's only drinkable for a few sips - and even then only because you feel you have to, out of disbelief that anything could be this bad. It's full of cooking chocolate, milk powder, ground nuts or wet cardboard or something equally as nauseating. Imagine if you aged some Baileys in a cardboard barrel for 10 years, and then heated it up. It deserves a 1/10 - but I'm giving it a 2/10. Why? Because they intended it to be this way and I admire their balls.

The first thing you notice with this one is the aroma - it's leaping out of the cup to put it's hands around your throat. In the cup it looks velvety and chocolatey - there's no way you can leave this one to get cold. This is a strength 4 buts it's packing a mellow strength 5 - you know it's doing you the right kind of damage but you're blissfully unaware of it as it just slips down. The only minor grumble is the super-fine grind resulting in a final mouthful of mud at the bottom of the cup which leaves you with a slightly tainted parting memory of this one. 8/10

This is a first - the first ever coffee marked up as a strength TWO. And, yes, it's probably the weakest thing that's been near my mouth since the tooth fairy went down with man flu but still managed to struggle out of bed. They claim "aromatic, lingering sweetness" on the packet - well you'd never know. The lingering sweetness turns out to be a sickly sweetness - as all I can really taste in this one is the milk. If you like super-weedy coffee - which some people do - then this is ideal. I don't think you could ever make this too strong. (3/10)

This is the first coffee of the new year and we've got a real backlog to get through now. This comes as part of a Whittard selection box of nine different coffees. So to pick the first one out it has to be from the top shelf - strength 5. There's only 3 cups in one of the small packs so it's a one-hit review. This is a right little corker for the first day of January - heavyweight and pungent. It does suffer from a slight metallic aftertaste which knocks it down a point - but otherwise a fine healthy punch in the face for the start of the year. 7/10