Grumpy Mule

This was a huge £7 in our local deli - so we're obviously expecting big things. Unfortunately there is nothing special about this "micro-lot" coffee. There is no depth of flavour at all - it's just utterly mediocre. That doesn't mean it's horrible - we all liked it - but there's nothing more you can say about it than that. It's quite a weak roast too - we really spooned it up and still there was no punch in this one. All of the 'notes' claimed on the packets - (chocolate, honey grapes..) are a figment of the marketing department's imagination. This is a an ok £2.50 coffee dressed up in fancy clothes, that's all. I can only score it an average - 5/10.

As Wacko Jacko said, minutes before keeling over in a drug induced haze, "This is it". The best Grumpy Mule there is. This one is impossible to f*ck up - evey time you pour this little beauty into the cup your legs are gonna be quivering, barely able to take your weight, in anticipation of what's to come, as it's looks so good and smells so good you know it's going to blow you away. It's a heavy, thick coffee clearly designed for MEN - there's not a hint of gay-as-a-lord zestyness or citrus. It's just C.O.F.F.E.E. The only thing that can stop me giving this a 10/10 is the usual Mule pricing - its a fiver a pop. Even on Amazon. But tell you what folks - do your self a favour and give it a go... 9/10

    This has restored our faith in the Grumpy Mule - and Latin coffee - which for us lately just never seem as good as the Africans. We've had a few of these - and there's been no cock ups on any of them. Easy to make and forgiving on that early Monday morning shaking hand that could so easily over-egg it. Anyway - there aren't really any adjectives or metaphors to describe this - no "fruity"or "zesty" required. It's just a good old coffee-tasting mug that makes you realise that you will never drink instant coffee for as long as you live. They claim "nutty" and "chocolatty" which is just their marketing department talking utter bollocks. There's nothing to say except - it's f*cking great: get some. (9/10)

We've been going through a renaissance with the Grumpy Mules, which was mainly brought on by price - they were all so sodding expensive. Turns out though, it's just our local Deli that's ripping us off - there is no £8 packet of Mule out there in the real world - it's just a special price for us Mugs who he saw coming through his enormous Mug spotting windows. So, now were over that, we can just start enjoying it. This one is a case in point - it's fruity and punching above it's strength 3 rating. Every cup has come out good - it's a great beginners coffee - you just can't fuck this one up, even if you cant count up to the required 6 spoons you'll still be ok and your friends will love you. Slurp it down... and give us more Mules! Scores an 8/10 - only lost it bit from this Judge for the lack of ball crushing strength.

This advertises two words we like to see: Peaberry and Tanzania. So we're getting quite excited by this one. As you bring this brewed cup up to your face you do get the slightly citrus waft, and on the first sip - you get it too. But from then on in this coffee is just too mild for me. It's lacking any real depth of taste - it's way too subtle. After the gulp, there's no powerful rasp down the back of your tongue - when it's gone, it's gone, and that's it. This is rated at strength 4 - so I did try and spoon it up a notch to try and ring a bit more out of it: don't try it. If you make this one too strong then it's going to ruin all of the subtleties and you make as well be drinking a cheapo Lavazza. This is a strength 3 and has been over-rated, that's all. For my taste then, just a 6/10.

The beans for this Mule are big and light - and smell divine. We almost ate them straight off the spoon. Now The folks at Grumpy Mule clearly state this is an all day, strength 3 coffee, which doesn't normally sit well with the Judges' sensibilities. But we're going to give it a go anyway. Brewing this up, the first thing apparent is the overwhelming smell of lemons. This isn't hint of citrus, this is a bleedin' fruit bowl. We don't mind a bit of high altitude lemon flavour here at Judge Towers, but this one is so lemon-like I'm not sure whether your average coffee drinking oik will drink it or do the washing up with it. We like it though - the only gripe being it's a bit too weak - even after spooning it up a notch. If you like a mellower coffee with a slightly odd taste, this is pretty good. Definitely one to serve your guests  - so they can all learn that "citrus notes" isn't complete coffee-bollocks-talk after all. 8/10

The first one of these was exactly as they described it. Creamy. I don't know how this happens, but it was definitely a sickly sweet, milky brew. Now if that's your thing, then all well and good. But it's not mine and I had real trouble finishing the first one - it was scoring a 4/10. They also claim a lingering finish - and they're not wrong. The taste just doesn't go away. It Kinda Lingers.  So for this afternoon I broke the rules, went to 7 spoons for three cups and held back on the milk a bit. This time we get something which has lost it's creamy-ness for sure, and for me is more palatable. But as ever when having to spoon a coffee up to high strength levels to mask its failings, there's a price to pay. It's slightly harsh with a bit of an aftertaste. This coffee is nothing more than OK. It actually tastes like a cheapy - yet in our local deli it's a whopping £4.50 a pack. All in all then, a lowly 6/10.

First tasting for over a week - and onto a new brand. It didn't look appealing - an oily looking surface and very little foam. The initial smell was of cigar ash - which knocked me back a bit to say the least. Even the first taste had more of the taste when you pick up the wrong beer can at a party and its the one people have been using to put their butts in. Not sounding good so far?  Well.. you can warm to it a bit, but it's a bit harsh for my liking. Agricultural. 5/10