January 2012

This is a first - the first ever coffee marked up as a strength TWO. And, yes, it's probably the weakest thing that's been near my mouth since the tooth fairy went down with man flu but still managed to struggle out of bed. They claim "aromatic, lingering sweetness" on the packet - well you'd never know. The lingering sweetness turns out to be a sickly sweetness - as all I can really taste in this one is the milk. If you like super-weedy coffee - which some people do - then this is ideal. I don't think you could ever make this too strong. (3/10)

The word "Christmas" on a coffee - or indeed anything - should always make you nervous and this is proof of that. As soon as you open the packet you just want to gag - it's sickly sweet and generally repulsive. Just the waft from the packet is making me sneeze. The brewed cup is even worse - it's only drinkable for a few sips - and even then only because you feel you have to, out of disbelief that anything could be this bad. It's full of cooking chocolate, milk powder, ground nuts or wet cardboard or something equally as nauseating. Imagine if you aged some Baileys in a cardboard barrel for 10 years, and then heated it up. It deserves a 1/10 - but I'm giving it a 2/10. Why? Because they intended it to be this way and I admire their balls.

This is a real cheapy - it comes from Costco and is a massive 1.3kg bag - and that's the smallest one they do. We had already made up our minds that this one was going to be slightly rough - it's a cheap catering coffee. The beans looked weird, and smelt weird. When it's brewed, the initial smell is of a cheap, dirty coffee. But then up close, the smell is pungent and earthy - it smells like the piss soaked ground by the men's urinal at Glastonbury on day three. If you hold your nose and just swallow, it's actually drinkable (the coffee - not the Glasto piss) - definately the best ever "cheap" coffee we've had. I even finished the whole cup. But it's not something you'd rush to repeat - and that leaves you with 1.299 kg still to get rid of. I'd serve it in a restaurant - but it's no good for home use. 5/10

We've had a Monsoon Malabar before from Waitrose, and we didn't like it, so we're not expecting much here. The package seems to suggest that a toffish bird can take it, where as a chavvy parrot will be left reeling from this bad boy.  The initial smell off of the cup is what we expected - filthy, dirty and harsh. So you kind of hold your nose before diving in - but initial gulps would have you believe that this one 'aint bad! Strong - yes - but not quite such a filth-monger as the name would suggest. As you go down the cup though, the after taste on the tongue builds up and the grinds from the bottom well up and start to choke you. It's just about OK, but only for serious coffee fans. The average parrot best stick to his millet. 6/10

The notion of this one is a cheeky little monkey messing around with a magic tea pot hanging about on a branch. Despite all that nonsense, this is a nice little brew. It's a strength 3 but has a really good and powerful taste. It's just lacking some depth - it's shallower than Jodie Marsh on Mastermind. As soon as you've swallowed - it's gone. Yes, that's another reference to Jodie Marsh. It's a great afternoon coffee - or one to keep dosing up on all day long. You'll never feel like you've had too many, but you'll enjoy each one. I may even buy a bigger pack....  8/10