Waitrose

We all know Waitrose for supplying some poncy stuff - but mainly the same old stuff as Tesco but to posh people, and charging double the price. That's why they always have such large windows - so they can see the Toffs coming from a mile off. Having said that, if there was one near me I'd be in there like a rat up a drainpipe stocking up on un-leavened bread and exotic chillies. So we came by this one sent through the post by Judge Hank himself, who has upgraded his life and now buys his everything in Waitrose. Enough of the carping - he warned us this was good. But we weren't prepared for quite how good. It's up there with the best - a no questions 10/10. Why? First - you can't cock it up - being a strength 3 even if you try and OD on it, you will fail. Secondly that citrus sweetness they mention on the packet really is there, in spades. When we ground this the whole office woke up and they all wanted some of it - it smells glorious. We could slurp the whole packet down in a day if we had to. Although that wouldn't be that many cups - as the beans are massive and I don't think we'll get more than three rounds out of this bag. But it's only £3.29 a bag. So stop reading this, go find your local Toff shop and buy it now. Well done Waitrose. 10/10

India is renowned for its tea, not its coffee, and that holds true here. We gave this the benefit of the doubt and had three goes at this, but every time it just got worse and worse. The first glug lulls you into a false sense of security before the after burn kicks in, leaving your entire thorax ripped out and lying in your lap. You just have to grin and bear it and hope the pain goes away. If you read the side of the packet, the writing was always on the wall for this one: they basically leave the bloody thing out in the rain - presumably going moldy - and then try and turn this neglect into a marketing gimmick. Give it up lads. 3/10.

This one turned up from our rookie Judge "cougheee" with the bold claim of the next Lava Java. It was just the two of us and he made his first pot following the strict Judge's rules - 5 spoons. Holy shit - this thing was so strong he may as well have picked up a piece of lead piping instead and smashed me about the face with it. Surely there must have been a mistake in the making?  Tablespoons instead of dessert spoons maybe? So today Judge Hank is back, swaggering about, with the intention of putting things right. What gets delivered is thick, heavy and oily. Just by looking you know that this is going to hurt. And it does. So far under normal Judge rules this is the strongest thing ever tasted. The underlying taste is pleasant enough, but it's just hard to pick it out when your mouth is pouring with blood. Again I can't finish the cup - which must score it badly - but I know deep down there's a good coffee here, you just need to treat it like it's radioactive: handle carefully and brew in a lead lined caffetiere. I can only give it 6/10 for now - but I'm sure this will jump up when we get the strength right.  And this is a STRENGTH 4 for God's sake... I thought Waitrose was the store for lily-livered Guardian Readers!