Judges Verdict Guide

Ratings 1-4 mean we would never buy this crap again.

1. Undrinkable - we could not finish the cup. This shit should not be on sale.

2. As bad as 1) but we did manage to get the whole cup down without vomiting.

3. Still terrible and we drunk it. Reaction was not vomit inducing. This is the entry level for something actually being classed as coffee.

4. The only level of bad coffee where we would consider having a second cup. Would still never buy it though - you would have to buy it for us. And make it. And serve it on the thigh of a virgin.

Ratings 5-10 are the ones we would buy.

5. The start of something that's OK and we would buy it if there was nothing else and it was approaching the end of the world.

6. Average tasting stuff like you might get in an OK-ish restaurant. You'll get Kudos for buying it and look like you know what you're doing and your friends might be impressed. But really you're just a Gold Blend chav.

7. A good enough coffee but with some kind of flaw that makes it a bit risky - like it's dark and burnt and bloody well impossible to get right 

8. Great tasting coffee - but we're struggling to find something to write about - nothing out of the ordinary to hang a metaphor on. Anything from 8 onwards you can buy and serve and you'll look like a god. 

9. An amazing coffee, let down by just one small thing - normally because it costs a bloody fortune, or it doesn't have a quirky little taste going on, or its hard to make and get right every time. Or we were just having a bad day when we scored it. Sorry- life's like that sometimes. Kill yourself or get over it.

10. An amazing coffee - not only tasting superb, but looking good, sensibly priced and easy to make and get right without any foul ups. Fill your cupboards with 10s.