Colombia

The Judges have been off line for a while...what with things going tits-up around the office on a daily basis there just hasn’t been time for anything other than a quick slurp between catastrophes - coupled with the fact that there's not much left to review out there. But we happened to be in Sainsbury's and realised we’d made a massive cock up and there was an off-the-shelf bean we hadn’t done. This one is grey – the beans look as old and dusty as John Major’s underpants. But not ones to shy away from a challenge, we ground it down and brewed it up. It’s easy to make – every cup came out the same – a decent, deep flavoured brew with no aftertaste. We didn’t get much crema on the top from our caffetiere – it was a flat and insipid looking cup – but the taste made up for it. But there’s nothing fancy – no flowers or lemons have been anywhere near this one – which we might have expected for a Taste The Difference premium bean. To be honest we would just stick with our favoured Sainsbury’s standard Italian which is just as good but cheaper. So one point off for cost - 7/10 for this one.

Another great metaphor from Pact - poached pear they claim in this one. The taste buds of those Pact kids must be so finely tuned that not only can they detect pears in this - but how they have been cooked!  Suffice to say - we couldn't taste them, being just your average coffee plebs. But plebs we may be, we know a good drop when we get it and this is our second packet of Pact to deliver. It's great - it's a heavy, full flavoured coffee, with a nice pale foaming head on it, more akin to a real ale than a coffee. It's smooth as hell and slid down in seconds, despite us spooning it up big time - there was nothing we could do wrong with this one. We don't know how you could get any of this without going on their mail order scheme... but we suggest you try. 8/10

Another great metaphor from Pact - poached pear they claim in this one. The taste buds of those Pact kids must be so finely tuned that not only can they detect pears in this - but how they have been cooked!  Suffice to say - we couldn't taste them, being just your average coffee plebs. But plebs we may be, we know a good drop when we get it and this is our second packet of Pact to deliver. It's great - it's a heavy, full flavoured coffee, with a nice pale foaming head on it, more akin to a real ale than a coffee. It's smooth as hell and slid down in seconds, despite us spooning it up big time - there was nothing we could do wrong with this one. We don't know how you could get any of this without going on their mail order scheme... but we suggest you try. 8/10

Another cheap but good-un from Aldi. Its coarsely ground so you can’t really balls it up in your caffetiere – though of course this does mean that we couldn’t spoon it up too high – this one hasd a ceiling that we couldn't really get over. Not that it needs it – it's strong enough more or less however you make it. And it looks really inviting – a lovely pale brown crema on the surface that holds down the side of the cup to the bottom. Another perfectly respectable all day drinker from Aldi that you could serve at your dinbner party without being found out. We're only taking a point off for it not having any quirky flavours. 7/10

We've never found Colombian coffees to be that sophisticated - you always hope they're going to be amazing and give you a super buzz - but somehow they never do.

Especially when the Brown Bear marketing department were obviously so wired they forgot how to spell Colombia and also thought they were knocking back liquid toffee apples. So  we thought we were in for a Class A treat here. But, as always seems to be the case with Colombians - it's pretty mild - there's no danger of it keeping you awake at night. But it does have a subtle fruity taste that makes it slightly unusual and will send you back for more. Due to its light roast we tried to beef it up a bit - normally with a light roast you can spoon it up to your heart's content and it still won't go wrong. Not with this one though - the effect of loading up our plunger ended up with a much more bitter brew - with a metallic aftertaste we've not sampled since someone swapped the contents of our packet of Werthers for a load of copper washers. The conclusion then - accept this one for what it is - a slightly fruity and refreshing cup, and nothing more. So, one point off for our strength disappointment - it's a 6/10

This is a very dark roasted coffee. It looked so dark that we actually held a spoonful back on the make up. Mistake. You need the full quota to get the required strength out of this one. We could tell by the colour of it – it was just too weedy. One more spoonful brought it up to par – that was five spoons for two cups. Which kind of says this is not a very strong coffee – or it’s too coarsely ground. Swirling round in the cup with milk you get that uneven look as though you’ve just swirled in some condensed milk and are waiting for it to dissolve. It tastes ok though – but it’s more bitter than even than me - and I've just been cheated on. There’s just nothing special about this – it’s a cup of coffee, no more. They claim is tastes of not just hazelnuts - but toasted hazelnuts. Who the hell has ever toasted a hazelnut to know what one tastes like? Utter bollocks. Probably not to most peoples taste due to the harsh roasting. Us hardened Judges can cope with that, so I gave it a respectable 7/10.  

This was a huge £7 in our local deli - so we're obviously expecting big things. Unfortunately there is nothing special about this "micro-lot" coffee. There is no depth of flavour at all - it's just utterly mediocre. That doesn't mean it's horrible - we all liked it - but there's nothing more you can say about it than that. It's quite a weak roast too - we really spooned it up and still there was no punch in this one. All of the 'notes' claimed on the packets - (chocolate, honey grapes..) are a figment of the marketing department's imagination. This is a an ok £2.50 coffee dressed up in fancy clothes, that's all. I can only score it an average - 5/10.

I could barely get this one down due to eating my own f*cking words at the same time! Starbucks = corporate shit. Colombia = coffee shit. Those were my words up until now. The Starbucks bit you can understand - glossy chain coffee shops selling just a "house blend", staffed by minimum wagers. They may sell a lot of real coffee in packs - but it's all over priced - this one is 4 quid a bag. Mind you - recent coffee price hikes means £3.50 is the entry level these days, so maybe I'm being harsh on them there. As for the Colombian thing - we all think their coffee will be so cool - those Colombians are famed for their stimulant production after all - but the coffees we've had have all been well under par. BUT... this one is a total blinder! Sorry Starbucks, sorry Colombia... this one is like ramming your face in a big hairy nut sack until you can no longer breath. Impossible to cock up in the making - every cup has been luscious. For taste this one is a 10/10 - but I've got to dock a point for the super-oily grind - the surface has floating tiny oil specks on it every time, leaving nasty ring marks down your cup as you pause to slurp. If you can get over that (or just glug it down in one) then it's second to none. Nice one Starbucks... at last. 9/10

We picked up two M&S'ers at the same time and the other one - the Luxury Italian - was bleedin' awful. Because this one looks so similar, in our heads, this one was  going to be shonky as well. But hang on!! We were wrong!! This one has a real citrus twist to it  - even the ground beans smelt a bit like a lemon farm. Tasting it too, the first thing you get is the slightly citrus taste more usual with those high altitude east African coffees - we've not had this taste in a South American one before. The follow through gulps are smooth and sweet - and the end effect is you just want more. The only criticism this judge could possibly make was maybe it's not quite strong enough. If this was a strength 5 it would be a 10/10, but as it stands, it's a 9/10.

The notion of this one is a cheeky little monkey messing around with a magic tea pot hanging about on a branch. Despite all that nonsense, this is a nice little brew. It's a strength 3 but has a really good and powerful taste. It's just lacking some depth - it's shallower than Jodie Marsh on Mastermind. As soon as you've swallowed - it's gone. Yes, that's another reference to Jodie Marsh. It's a great afternoon coffee - or one to keep dosing up on all day long. You'll never feel like you've had too many, but you'll enjoy each one. I may even buy a bigger pack....  8/10