As gimmicks go, this is the pinnacle. A coffee with beans twice as strong as any other. The world's strongest coffee. This is the kind of challenge that gets the Judge's gavels quivering. Having read the article in The Metro, people were asking us if we'd tried it. We hadn't, so got some sent over faster than Pete Doherty on his way to the all night garage to pick up a packet of Kingsize. It arrived in a Jiffy Bag and started to emit its potent hard core coffee smell all over the house. Now, bearing in mind this is whole bean coffee, that's potent, and the Judge is starting to think that we're going to need a Geiger counter and some lead mugs. Despite the slightly cheesy skull motif, the packaging of the coffee is actually uber luxury. A big, heavy bag with a nice little metal reseal clip that will do for a nipple clamp after you've finished your Shades of Grey. When you get a look at the beans you are going to be struck by how massive they are - they're f*cking enourmous and highly polished - just look at them!. Akin to the gonads you're going to need if you want to take this bad boy on. Rather than pussy-out, we made it up at our usual testing strength - six spoons for three cups. At this point, the smell took a turn for the worse - sinking into cigar filled ash tray territory. But hang on - keep the faith. Some coffees that smell like that, taste like that. But the Deathwish Coffee held its own and taste wise was actually pretty damn mellow. It certainly didn't punch us in the face or throat.
It just went down, quicker than Monica Lewinsky the day after Lent. That's not saying we didn't realise that this thing is strong - strong enough to take on Geoff Capes before he took to budgerigar fancying - but it hides it well. It's right up there with the Hot Lava Java and Lavazza Espresso. It's easy to make too - we've done a few and varied it a bit, and they're still making us smile. So if you like your strong coffee, you've got to do it and be the talk of your office with its crazy packaging and outrageously strong smell. It's fun. It's nice. Only one point off the hallowed ten - and only because ordering my coffee from the USA just 'aint convenient. It's a 9/10.
Not renowned for it's coffee, we were a bit nervous with this one. It even comes from a tea producing region of China. Maybe these are just counterfeit tea leaves? The beans, it has to be said, look horrific. They are small, beige and dusty. They look like little bits of old chocolate that have gone white with age as they've been left in the corner shop window too long. There's no great smell when you make it either - you're just dealing with some plain, brown powder that could be anything. But in the cup it's actually ok. It won't set the world alight, but it does the job quite nicely. It's a niche coffee really - it's uniqueness is merely that is is Chinese - which actually is more uniqueness than some of the bland shite we've tasted. The nuttyness is there though - my first thought was chocolate, then chicory, then hazelnuts. None of which should be in my coffee, they should be in a box of Thorntons. 7/10 from Judge Nooge.
